Thumbs up for your handshake?

It was the first lecture of the OdySEA Summer programme. The professor had numbered us off to form groups for an informal introduction session. I happened to be in front of a male student. The male student, Andrew, offered his hand for a handshake and confidently introduced himself. I was stunned for a moment.

As a female Muslim, I am actually prohibited from being in direct contact with the opposite sex. The only permissible contact with the opposite sex can only occur with male blood relatives or my husband. Hence, when Andrew offered his hand for a handshake, I panicked because I did not how to refuse his handshake without offending him. In the end, I gave him two thumbs up.

It was a strange response indeed, and he replied, “Why? Don’t you want to accept my handshake?” Not knowing what else to do, I gave in and shook his hand, feeling guilty afterwards.

In hindsight, I wished I was firm in explaining, clearly and politely, that I do not shake hands with the opposite sex. I know that some may say it is an innocent handshake and that I should not be too rigid. However, I feel a compromise in beliefs and principles would lead down to a slippery slope of compromising on many other things. Furthermore, there are other ways to introduce oneself.

In cross-cultural communication, a recurring point of contention is the amount of compromise a person commits in the course of interacting with others. The amount of compromise may be related to how much a person adheres to his or her culture in the first place. Though I am reluctant to shake hands with the opposite sex, I cannot speak for other female Muslims who may not feel too concerned. For this reason, I do not hold it against Andrew for not understanding my discomfort or for not being able to interpret the real intention of my weird thumbs-up response. He may have been totally ignorant of religious rules for Muslim women or he may have shook hands with other female Muslims before and thought it was ok to do so.

Hence, in an attempt to foster effective intercultural communication, it is not simply about reading up on the cultural rules and facts of a certain cultural group. Culture is a process involving structures and its agents. In this example, I am the agent and the cultural structure is my religion. My religion says I am not supposed to have direct contact with the opposite sex. However, as an individual, I have the agency to adhere to this rule or not.

To be competent in cross-cultural communication, a person must be able achieve the goal of communication, successfully and appropriately. This requires the knowledge of a certain cultural group yet recognizing that different individuals practice their cultures differently and that each interaction is unique. 

Now, a question for the readers:

What could I have done to achieve a win-win situation for Andrew and I?