Sunday, October 6, 2013
Thumbs up for your handshake?
It was the first lecture of the OdySEA Summer programme. The professor had numbered us off to form groups for an informal introduction session. I happened to be in front of a male student. The male student, Andrew, offered his hand for a handshake and confidently introduced himself. I was stunned for a moment.
As a female Muslim, I am actually prohibited from being in direct contact with the opposite sex. The only permissible contact with the opposite sex can only occur with male blood relatives or my husband. Hence, when Andrew offered his hand for a handshake, I panicked because I did not how to refuse his handshake without offending him. In the end, I gave him two thumbs up.
It was a strange response indeed, and he replied, “Why? Don’t you want to accept my handshake?” Not knowing what else to do, I gave in and shook his hand, feeling guilty afterwards.
In hindsight, I wished I was firm in explaining, clearly and politely, that I do not shake hands with the opposite sex. I know that some may say it is an innocent handshake and that I should not be too rigid. However, I feel a compromise in beliefs and principles would lead down to a slippery slope of compromising on many other things. Furthermore, there are other ways to introduce oneself.
In cross-cultural communication, a recurring point of contention is the amount of compromise a person commits in the course of interacting with others. The amount of compromise may be related to how much a person adheres to his or her culture in the first place. Though I am reluctant to shake hands with the opposite sex, I cannot speak for other female Muslims who may not feel too concerned. For this reason, I do not hold it against Andrew for not understanding my discomfort or for not being able to interpret the real intention of my weird thumbs-up response. He may have been totally ignorant of religious rules for Muslim women or he may have shook hands with other female Muslims before and thought it was ok to do so.
Hence, in an attempt to foster effective intercultural communication, it is not simply about reading up on the cultural rules and facts of a certain cultural group. Culture is a process involving structures and its agents. In this example, I am the agent and the cultural structure is my religion. My religion says I am not supposed to have direct contact with the opposite sex. However, as an individual, I have the agency to adhere to this rule or not.
To be competent in cross-cultural communication, a person must be able achieve the goal of communication, successfully and appropriately. This requires the knowledge of a certain cultural group yet recognizing that different individuals practice their cultures differently and that each interaction is unique.
Now, a question for the readers:
What could I have done to achieve a win-win situation for Andrew and I?
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I find your response of giving him two thumbs up quite humorous. Good job thinking on your feet! Thankfully I didn't have this awkward situation with you when we first met.
ReplyDeleteI would be equally shocked if I were to receive such a response but I would never be so bold as to question you like he did. I feel that it displays a form of discourtesy and insensitivity, even if I didn't know the reason behind it. But as the Chinese saying goes, "不知者无罪(bu4 zhi1 zhe3 wu2 zui4)". Or basically, "He who is unaware does not commit a sin."
It would be ideal if you could explain the situation to him. I know it's easier said than done, but when you happen to be in a group that is not considered "mainstream" (in it's broadest sense), it sometimes takes less effort if you explain yourself right from the beginning.
In my experience, I used to be ashamed that I developed a mental disorder during NS and when people asked me why I went out of course during NS, I would say I got "injured". If they probed, I usually said, "Ankle.", "From the heavy load.", "I slipped and fell." Just so that they would stop asking me, "Why?".
I felt embarrassed and I was afraid of the social stigma that comes with mental disorders. But there really isn't anything for you to be embarrassed about. If you got it, flaunt it, right? After a while, I got tired of lying because I also lost track of who I told the truth. So nowadays, I just let people know that I developed panic disorder because the training was too stressful for me to handle. But, it only became easier for me to admit to this mental disorder after I was confidant that I overcame it.
Perhaps you could, like me, find a standard reply whenever you encounter such a situation (as I expect that you would for the rest of your life). You could also try to be more conscious and confident of your self-identity, so that it would come more naturally for you to explain yourself to others. Take it as a chance to allow others to know you better, that you are much more complex and interesting as a person than meets the eye.
I totally agree with Jacob and though I wholly support what you did, Liyana, I do feel you could have explained yourself to him. It's like how I've always had to explain why I've been a vegetarian since birth. I used to feel ashamed to have to say that I was born into a Brahmin family and hence I only ate vegetarian food. When I went to school, in those days, I used to be the freak who didn't eat meat or seafood and as a result didn't fit in with social groups. My classmates always felt it was a chore to invite me to any gathering because they had to have vegetarian food - hahah!!. But I stuck it out and when I was older started to explain to friends that I couldn't eat even vegetables that had been fished out of a pre-cooked meat dish:)) haha they got the whole concept wrong. But many of my friends now understand my brand of vegetrianism because I've explained it to them and guess what, vegetrianism has even become fashionalbe now!!
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